There
was a time in my life just a few short months ago when I didn’t know who I was
whatsoever. I knew who I wanted to be. I knew who I used to be. I was sitting
around last night and realized that I became the thing I used t hate.
After
long deliberation I came to realize that I know who I am. Who I am was not the
person I was a few months ago. I don’t know what happened to me or how I got to
a point where I didn’t recognize myself. There was a time when I felt happy
more than I felt sad and I searched for that for a long time to find it again. About
six months ago I went on a date and there was a question he asked me that has
stuck with me every day. He asked, “What makes you, you Chels? What is it that
gives you so much to be happy about? What makes Chelsea, Chelsea?” Well, I couldn’t
answer it. I could answer who it used to be though. I used to be a girl who
NEVER would have never compromised myself for anyone. A girl who stood up for
what she believed. Someone who didn’t let other opinions get me down.
Well,
during that time I was going through a difficult experience. Not only did I
lose someone who meant the world to me, but I lost myself in the process. I
lost all that was familiar to me and most people will never understand that feeling.
This guy made me realize just how much I
lost myself simply by asking me a question. Where was that girl? And when did I
become a completely different person?
There
was a point when a guy looked me in the eyes and told me he doesn’t believe
people can change until they have reached rock bottom, and he never believed I
would actually reach rock bottom because the people around me wouldn’t let me
get to that point. Well, that guy was wrong. I hit rock bottom, and I hit it
hard. About 4 months ago I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I was
officially at rock bottom. So rock bottom became the solid foundation on which
I rebuilt my life. Turns out that guy was right. You don’t change until you
reach rock bottom, and I mean really reach rock bottom.
People do it every day. They promise
themselves they are going to make changed; that they are going to change
themselves. And they never get around to it. But at that moment, I picked
myself up off the bathroom floor and I told myself it was time to pick myself
up and get back to who I was; who I wanted to be. I needed to stop looking back
and living in the past. So I did.
There
are so many people who say they don’t regret anything. They have learned from
their mistakes. Well, I was at a point where I regretted almost every decision I
made. Of course, I have learned from those mistakes, but I didn’t need to. I shouldn’t
have had to learn from those mistakes because I already knew where they would
get me. So yes, I do regret that time in my life but there is absolutely
nothing I can do about it now except for change myself.
I look
at people around me and all I can think is how glad I am to be where I am. I am
so happy I am at this point in my life. Most people don’t realize what I have
had to realize the past few months until they are older. I look around and I
see people out partying and getting with people and I think, “are they really
happy?” Maybe they are or maybe they’re running. Maybe they are simply trying
to fit in and be accepted. But luckily for me, I never have really had the urge
to find out what it was like on the other side of the fence. I never have
needed to figure out what the fuss was all about.
There
was a time when my life literally spun out of control. And I let it. I had to
do a lot of soul searching during that time in my life. I realized who I was
and most importantly, I have realized that who I am is enough. I know I’m not
exactly where I need to be, but thank god I am not where I used to be. It took
a lot for me to see that god would never make me go through something that I couldn’t
handle. It turns out, the best experiences I have had are when my heart is
broken, when I feel abandoned and out of options, and I have turned to god
alone to heal the pain.
It took
me hitting my lowest point for me to get here. It took me taking a long hard
look at myself and the person I wanted to be for me to get a wakeup call and
realize my life is far from over. When I think about what I want in life, the
family I want to have so bad, and the man I want to marry, I have to think
about myself. I need to be the person I know I can be. I need to attract the
type of guy I want. Someone I can introduce to my family, someone who is going
to be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. A guy who makes me happy. Who won’t
complicate my life. Someone who won’t hurt me. And I need to be that girl for
him. For a long time I asked myself what I wanted. Well, that’s what I want. Honestly,
I think you’ve lost it if you don’t want the same. I’ve spent the last few
months building myself back up from the point I got to. I have gone through
every emotion you could ever imagine and I never thought I could look back and
say it made me a better person, but it did. I don’t think it’s bad to be
selfish at this time in my life. I heard once that your 20’s are your ‘selfish’
years. So yes, I am being selfish with my time and I am focusing on myself and
I’ve never been happier to tell you the truth. It’s not selfish to love
yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority; it’s
necessary.
