Friday, August 15, 2014

It's just a bad day... Not a bad life!

When I was 18 years old, I distinctly remember feeling like I had reached the absolute lowest point in my life. I felt all alone, although I had quite a few people who were there for me.

One day I woke up and decided I needed to let the pain go, I wanted to run far away from it. So I ran. I pushed everyone away. I remember saying my goodbyes… I wrote letters, I text the ones I loved, and then I cried for a long time. Somewhere in the middle of my crying I grabbed a bottle of pills and took some, and then for “fun” I took a few more…
I tried to kill myself. No sugarcoating it. No lies. It’s the truth, I wanted to die. You can go ahead and judge me now. Call me selfish. Call me a coward. Whatever you want. Your opinion is your own and does not define who I am now. I’ve heard it all
After taking an excessive amount of pills, I remember feeling my heart slow down. And all I kept asking myself was if this was REALLY what I wanted. I knew time was running out before someone found me so I grabbed a pen and paper and tried to write as fast as I could… I regretted it. Right then and there I didn’t want to die. I just wanted the pain to go away. I acted out on a temporary emotion. And I almost lost my life for it. My best friend found me about an hour later… and then her, her mom, and my boyfriend took me to the hospital.
I don’t remember much after that. I remember my boyfriend trying to keep my awake. All I kept hearing was “Why? Why did you do this to yourself? Please don’t close your eyes” That’s all I remember. I tried so hard to keep my eyes open but I just couldn’t.
The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital room confused. I was cold, and scared. When I looked down at my arm and saw an IV, I remembered why I was there. When I looked further down my arm I saw my boyfriend’s hand holding mine. And my best friend right next to him. My family was there, and so was my boyfriend’s. I remember feeling ashamed in some way. I purposely, and yes selfishly, felt like my pain was too much to bear. I could have never seen the ones I loved ever again because of my careless mistake.
In that moment I saw so much grace in their eyes. They looked like they had been up all night.. and they had been. It tore me apart knowing I hurt them. I owe them the world, along with my family (the ones that were here for me anyway) during this time of my life. The following months were the hardest for me.
The truth is, I had to deal with the fact that I wanted to die. I gave up.  And I never imagined I would be that girl. I’ve never felt so much support in my life. Things were much different after that. Nobody really knew I was suffering or that my pain was so extensive until after. I never really communicated it because I completely shut everyone out. I learned to change that after I got out of the hospital. My parents did all they could to support me and get me whatever help I needed. And my brother was the most worried about me. My boyfriend stood by me no matter what. His family supported me. My family comforted me, the ones that knew anyway.
A lot couldn’t understand. Some were angry at first, and others were just sad. But they all came together for me. And I honestly can say if it weren’t for them and for believing in me, I wouldn’t be here. But I didn’t write this to tell you my story. I wrote it because I am angry.. And the only way I can express it is to write it.
What a lot of people don’t know is that I had a lot of people judge me because of that. I had a lot of people talk about me and mock me for being depressed and trying to kill myself. I guess it’s life right? People talk shit. They talk about things they don’t even know about. I was used to it. But it really pissed me off that people had the nerve to kick me when I was already down. I haven’t told many people of this. Not until now.
My parents knew, but no one else did. The year after I attempted suicide I had to deal with evil comments, bitchy girls, people who thought I was less of a person because I attempted suicide in a weak moment and they thought they knew the whole story. Many times I brushed it off. I even had family members talk behind my back. But I kept telling myself the ones who matter in my life would support me, and I focused on that. I focused on myself for a long time.
It didn’t happen overnight. But every day I got better. Every once and a while I would hear that people were talking about me, about my past….And then social media came into play. It didn’t start with that though. First it was just the rumors, then it was people texting me acting like they all the sudden cared about how I was, and then it turned into social media.
I’ve never tried to hide it. If people asked me I always told them the whole story. I made a lot of mistakes. I can’t change my past. I was depressed for a long time. It was an illness to me. I did everything I could, but eventually I let it get the best of me.
I finally felt better after I addressed all of my problems, I was happier. But at that time, unfortunately, people began to talk. More specifically, people who thought they had a right to judge me started to talk. They got word that I tried to kill myself. One thing you should know, and I think everyone knows a group of these people in their lives, is that this specific group of people put themselves on a pedestal. They are the kind of people who have no idea what affect they have on others. They didn’t know half of my story, they hardly even knew me as a person…And they felt the need to judge ME because I tried to kill myself.
This group said things that hurt, it hurt so bad I felt like I was slowly becoming the girl I used to be. The depressed person I once was. I would try to remind myself that I couldn’t let this group who thought it was funny to mock me, and MANY others, for their actions get the best of me. I couldn’t give them that satisfaction.
But one day I was on social media and a girl posted several cruel comments. It had been going on for quite some time but this post made me question humanity altogether. This person said, of course not directly but very clearly meant it to be for me, that “maybe you should go try to kill yourself again.” I remember my parents being enraged when they found me in tears and I had to tell them I was being mocked and bullied for something so horrible. I knew this specific person wasn’t very fond of me, I knew this entire group in general wasn’t… but I never thought they could be so malicious as to put someone down about something so serious.

The reason I am writing about this particular instance isn’t to call this person out. I could care less. They know who they are. They know the pain they cause, to not only me, but several others around them. They have been this way since high school and in my opinion, they won’t ever grow out of it. I understand some people are just like that. They will talk about me and mock me. Its life and there will always be people like that. Does it make it okay? No, not at all. It’s something I’ll never understand.  But being a person who tried to kill herself, and learned that it is never the answer.. I was more than just offended by the comments they made about me.
I heard several things were said of me after word got around that I attempted suicide and was battling depression. The funny thing is, it has never been a secret. I’ve never tried to hide that I was in a bad place. I’m not ashamed of it because I would never be where I am today if it weren’t for that. I learned I couldn’t make a permanent decision on a temporary emotion. I also learned a lot about people in my life. The ones who will support me no matter what, the ones who will put me down, and then there are the ones who will talk behind my back.
That’s life. I expect that. I’ve never really cared but for a person to mock me over suicide and depression- I took it personal and very seriously. The reason I am writing this, is not because I wanted people to know about the rumors and the people who talked about me. I wrote it because a few days ago one of the people who did have the nerve to talk about me posted something about how they take suicide “very seriously” as well as depression. They mentioned that they wish others would understand it is an illness. Yes, it is an illness. And I dealt with it firsthand. As you can imagine, I was enraged reading such a hypocritical thing coming from one of the very people who specifically mocked ME for trying to commit suicide and whose friend told me I should go try and kill myself again.
I’ve sat around wondering how someone can act like they cared about Robin Williams, who recently lost his life because of suicide, or anyone else who suffers with such a serious problem when just a year ago they were the ones making fun of me for attempting suicide myself. Kinda hypocritical if you ask me. Of course that makes me angry. I have no respect whatsoever for this person, or anyone else who had so much to say about me.
I went through hell for a long time and it was a long road to recovery… And they thought it was okay to put me down.  Ill tell you one thing, I have so much disgust in those same people who have the nerve to turn around and act like they support those who suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts when it wasn’t long ago they thought it was funny to make rude remarks about my personal life.
These types of people are ones I will have to deal with my whole life. I’ve moved on from it. I am a better person than I was. Ive even forgiven them for the apology I never got about how I should try to kill myself again. Do I respect them? Absolutely not. I have no respect for anybody who can claim they all the sudden care and support those who suffer from an illness like depression or suicide, when they were the very ones who gossiped and mocked me for it.
Depression and suicide is serious. It is something I experienced firsthand. And trust me when I say, words are strong enough to break someone who suffers from it. If you ever feel like you can judge someone based on something you think you know, think again. I promise you there is most likely much more to the story than you think. And in my personal opinion, it is nobody’s business. Those who feel the need to judge, or even worse, mock others for going through a difficult time really need to reevaluate their life. You never know what people are going through.
I will never underestimate or try to cover up how serious depression and suicide is. It is real and it is painful. So to anyone who feels like giving up, I promise you it gets better. I used to hate when people would tell me that. They would always try to tell me it gets better and I never believed them. But take it from me, it really does. Every single day it gets better. With the right people in your life, and support… you can overcome it. vie never been as happy as I am now. I learned who matters in my life and I learned a lot about people for how they treated me when I was at rock bottom. Be strong enough to eliminate anyone who judges you, or makes fun of such a serious problem. Some people will assume they know your story and you owe them nothing.  If you feel like giving up, just keep going! “Its just a bad day, not a bad life!”

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Going, Going, Gone...

Something happened to me today. something that made me step back and take a look at myself and what i'm trying to become. Its funny, I’ve grown up here in Bountiful…Spent most of my life here, but I never really got to know this place… or what it meant to me. Sometimes I get in my car and drive… with music blaring. I drive the same streets I drove in high school and listen to the same music, at least when I feel like it. Sometimes I try the 80’s, sometimes it’s more upbeat like pop… Country usually works for me all the time. 1:00 am… 2 am… 3:00. I drive and I think…. I like Bountiful that way. I like feeling safe and being able to listen to music and let it fix me when I feel like everything is falling apart. I always underestimate what that can do for me. Makes my world snap right into focus. I’m grateful for that. I’m also grateful for the fact that I have been able to learn what this place means to me.

Not too long ago I was sitting in a car with the boy I loved overlooking the city of Bountiful one night and he asked a simple question… “Why would anyone ever want to leave this place?” Well, in that moment I had to agree with him. It was the prettiest view, and I had the person I cared about right there sitting next to me. And sitting in silence was all I needed. I remember after 5 minutes or so of just staring at the view, I looked at him and couldn’t help but smile because I could sit there without feeling like I needed to say anything. And then two seconds later we would have some deep conversation like it was the most natural thing in the world for us.

Sometimes I miss that. I know I’m going to always miss that.. Being able to sit in a car or go on drives and talk about our plans. I felt so invincible then… like nothing could hurt me…or us. Our whole life was ahead of us and we had big plans… big big plans… I’ve spent many moments over the past few years talking of those plans with this person. Sharing our hopes for the future… for ourselves… for us. I miss that sometimes.

I found a person who I clicked with.. and as you get older you realize that’s not so easy to find. This person, as hard as it is for some people to understand, was always there for me. You know that feeling you get when something really good happens to you and you just want to share it with someone? Or when you’ve had a bad day or are upset and one person comes to mind on who to run to? This was that person for me. For a long time anyway. I realized that none of my great moments in life mattered if I didn’t have this person.  And then one day it was gone because of mistakes I made. I did get it back though, which most people never get the chance to say. But this time, it was the other person who let it go.

Part of me is angry for that. Angry at this person for so foolishly choosing to throw it away. I look back on that moment sitting in the car… I’ve replayed it a lot in my head. Sometimes it hits me hard that the last thing I remember is getting out of the car after talking and giving this person a hug. That was the last time I remember hearing I love you.. The last hug I really remember from him too. The last I’ll ever have from this person for the rest of my entire life. That kills me to say, knowing there will never be another word spoken between us. That it’ll never be as easy as hugging a person I cared about and hearing him tell me he loves me like that night. It’s never going to be like that. And part of me is angry, like I said, because this time it was a matter of choice. It wasn’t like it was forced.

When you get something back that you’ve taken for granted, you don’t continue to take it for granted do you?? You cherish everything and appreciate it a little more because its usually not until something is about to or is taken away from you that you realize what it meant to you. At least that’s the case for most people anyway. Not in this situation though.

I’ve  thought a lot about what I want. Especially about who I am as a person the past few weeks. One reason I have done that is because I had to stand back and watch someone who meant the world to me throw it away. Lose himself. And there have been many times I’ve wanted to shake this person by the shoulders and ask if he realizes what he’s doing. If he understands this is him… him choosing to run and give up on himself… and throw things away that are so good for him.

The past few weeks have been filled with huge milestones.. And there have been so many times I’ve grabbed my phone to call this person because I just wanted to share it. Two nights ago I found out someone who was always there for my family was only given a few more days/hours to live.. and I spent hours crying wondering why.. In that moment I picked up my phone and scrolled to the one person I have always been able to run to  no matter what. Whether we were talking or not, if it came down to it I ran to them and they were always there.. not this time though. It was different this time and I knew that. I realized I could no longer call this person. When I was upset, or happy about something… I’ll never be able to do that.

Here’s the thing, I woke up about a month ago and was hit with a  truck of realization. About what life
really meant. But the past few days with hearing that Jodie is so close to passing away it has only made that feeling stronger. I wish everyone could have that experience of waking up and realizing what REALLY matters in life. People who love you, family, a life to live that’s separate from work. friends... that person who does it for you, that you love.. Things that we all assume will always be there. Im here to tell you they won’t be. I know this because I just had to watch someone throw something away that was a big part of my life as well, and let them do it because I can’t make them realize it until they wake up and regret it all one day. And I know they will. Everyone wakes up one day and regrets letting something go.. or someone.. maybe a choice they made, or the way they treated someone or took them for granted by being selfish. And usually its always too late when they realize it but it usually is a big wake up call. It was for me anyway.

I find it unfair that a family as loving as the Clark’s has to go through this loss. And part of that has made me feel grateful because my dad is still here. I can’t help but wonder why some people have to go through it and some people don’t. Cancer is an evil thing that can ruin so much. But Jodie will always be remembered. I know that. She helped me take a look at my life and realize that everything I do needs to be focused on family, and my future, and people who show me they appreciate me. My heart breaks for them at this time. I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose such an amazing women/mother.

I guess to wrap it up I have one question… If there was a person you loved that you knew you would never see again, what would you say to them? If you could do one last thing for the ones you loved what would it be? Say it. Do it. Nothing lasts forever. And if you don’t, I can promise you that one day you will wake up when it’s all gone and wish you did. There is no excuse in this world that’s good enough to take the ones in your life who care about you for granted. Thanks for reading…Sorry this was a long rant. A lot on my mind tonight.

P.S.Thank you Jodie for the little reminder that life is worth more. You will always be right here in my heart to remind me to stop taking things for granted and to tell the ones I love that I care about them.

With love always,