One day I woke up and decided I needed to let the pain go, I
wanted to run far away from it. So I ran. I pushed everyone away. I remember
saying my goodbyes… I wrote letters, I text the ones I loved, and then I cried
for a long time. Somewhere in the middle of my crying I grabbed a bottle of
pills and took some, and then for “fun” I took a few more…
I tried to kill myself. No sugarcoating it. No lies. It’s
the truth, I wanted to die. You can go ahead and judge me now. Call me selfish.
Call me a coward. Whatever you want. Your opinion is your own and does not
define who I am now. I’ve heard it all
After taking an excessive amount of pills, I remember
feeling my heart slow down. And all I kept asking myself was if this was REALLY
what I wanted. I knew time was running out before someone found me so I grabbed
a pen and paper and tried to write as fast as I could… I regretted it. Right
then and there I didn’t want to die. I just wanted the pain to go away. I acted
out on a temporary emotion. And I almost lost my life for it. My best friend
found me about an hour later… and then her, her mom, and my boyfriend took me
to the hospital.
I don’t remember much after that. I remember my boyfriend
trying to keep my awake. All I kept hearing was “Why? Why did you do this to
yourself? Please don’t close your eyes” That’s all I remember. I tried so hard
to keep my eyes open but I just couldn’t.
The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital room
confused. I was cold, and scared. When I looked down at my arm and saw an IV, I
remembered why I was there. When I looked further down my arm I saw my boyfriend’s
hand holding mine. And my best friend right next to him. My family was there,
and so was my boyfriend’s. I remember feeling ashamed in some way. I purposely,
and yes selfishly, felt like my pain was too much to bear. I could have never
seen the ones I loved ever again because of my careless mistake.
In that moment I saw so much grace in their eyes. They looked
like they had been up all night.. and they had been. It tore me apart knowing I
hurt them. I owe them the world, along with my family (the ones that were here
for me anyway) during this time of my life. The following months were the
hardest for me.
The truth is, I had to deal with the fact that I wanted to
die. I gave up. And I never imagined I
would be that girl. I’ve never felt so much support in my life. Things were
much different after that. Nobody really knew I was suffering or that my pain
was so extensive until after. I never really communicated it because I
completely shut everyone out. I learned to change that after I got out of the
hospital. My parents did all they could to support me and get me whatever help
I needed. And my brother was the most worried about me. My boyfriend stood by
me no matter what. His family supported me. My family comforted me, the ones
that knew anyway.
A lot couldn’t understand. Some were angry at first, and
others were just sad. But they all came together for me. And I honestly can say
if it weren’t for them and for believing in me, I wouldn’t be here. But I didn’t
write this to tell you my story. I wrote it because I am angry.. And the only
way I can express it is to write it.
What a lot of people don’t know is that I had a lot of
people judge me because of that. I had a lot of people talk about me and mock
me for being depressed and trying to kill myself. I guess it’s life right? People
talk shit. They talk about things they don’t even know about. I was used to it.
But it really pissed me off that people had the nerve to kick me when I was
already down. I haven’t told many people of this. Not until now.
My parents knew, but no one else did. The year after I
attempted suicide I had to deal with evil comments, bitchy girls, people who
thought I was less of a person because I attempted suicide in a weak moment and
they thought they knew the whole story. Many times I brushed it off. I even had
family members talk behind my back. But I kept telling myself the ones who
matter in my life would support me, and I focused on that. I focused on myself
for a long time.
It didn’t happen overnight. But every day I got better. Every
once and a while I would hear that people were talking about me, about my past….And
then social media came into play. It didn’t start with that though. First it
was just the rumors, then it was people texting me acting like they all the
sudden cared about how I was, and then it turned into social media.
I’ve never tried to hide it. If people asked me I always
told them the whole story. I made a lot of mistakes. I can’t change my past. I was
depressed for a long time. It was an illness to me. I did everything I could,
but eventually I let it get the best of me.
I finally felt better after I addressed all of my problems,
I was happier. But at that time, unfortunately, people began to talk. More
specifically, people who thought they had a right to judge me started to talk.
They got word that I tried to kill myself. One thing you should know, and I
think everyone knows a group of these people in their lives, is that this
specific group of people put themselves on a pedestal. They are the kind of
people who have no idea what affect they have on others. They didn’t know half of
my story, they hardly even knew me as a person…And they felt the need to judge
ME because I tried to kill myself.
This group said things that hurt, it hurt so bad I felt like
I was slowly becoming the girl I used to be. The depressed person I once was. I
would try to remind myself that I couldn’t let this group who thought it was
funny to mock me, and MANY others, for their actions get the best of me. I couldn’t
give them that satisfaction.
But one day I was on social media and a girl posted several
cruel comments. It had been going on for quite some time but this post made me
question humanity altogether. This person said, of course not directly but very
clearly meant it to be for me, that “maybe you should go try to kill yourself
again.” I remember my parents being enraged when they found me in tears and I had
to tell them I was being mocked and bullied for something so horrible. I knew
this specific person wasn’t very fond of me, I knew this entire group in
general wasn’t… but I never thought they could be so malicious as to put
someone down about something so serious.The reason I am writing about this particular instance isn’t to call this person out. I could care less. They know who they are. They know the pain they cause, to not only me, but several others around them. They have been this way since high school and in my opinion, they won’t ever grow out of it. I understand some people are just like that. They will talk about me and mock me. Its life and there will always be people like that. Does it make it okay? No, not at all. It’s something I’ll never understand. But being a person who tried to kill herself, and learned that it is never the answer.. I was more than just offended by the comments they made about me.
I heard several things were said of me after word got around
that I attempted suicide and was battling depression. The funny thing is, it has
never been a secret. I’ve never tried to hide that I was in a bad place. I’m
not ashamed of it because I would never be where I am today if it weren’t for
that. I learned I couldn’t make a permanent decision on a temporary emotion. I also
learned a lot about people in my life. The ones who will support me no matter
what, the ones who will put me down, and then there are the ones who will talk
behind my back.
That’s life. I expect that. I’ve never really cared but for
a person to mock me over suicide and depression- I took it personal and very seriously.
The reason I am writing this, is not because I wanted people to know about the
rumors and the people who talked about me. I wrote it because a few days ago
one of the people who did have the nerve to talk about me posted something
about how they take suicide “very seriously” as well as depression. They mentioned
that they wish others would understand it is an illness. Yes, it is an illness.
And I dealt with it firsthand. As you can imagine, I was enraged reading such a
hypocritical thing coming from one of the very people who specifically mocked ME
for trying to commit suicide and whose friend told me I should go try and kill
myself again.
I’ve sat around wondering how someone can act like they
cared about Robin Williams, who recently lost his life because of suicide, or
anyone else who suffers with such a serious problem when just a year ago they
were the ones making fun of me for attempting suicide myself. Kinda
hypocritical if you ask me. Of course that makes me angry. I have no respect whatsoever
for this person, or anyone else who had so much to say about me.
I went through hell for a long time and it was a long road
to recovery… And they thought it was okay to put me down. Ill tell you one thing, I have so much disgust
in those same people who have the nerve to turn around and act like they
support those who suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts when it wasn’t long
ago they thought it was funny to make rude remarks about my personal life.
These types of people are ones I will have to deal with my
whole life. I’ve moved on from it. I am a better person than I was. Ive even
forgiven them for the apology I never got about how I should try to kill myself
again. Do I respect them? Absolutely not. I have no respect for anybody who can
claim they all the sudden care and support those who suffer from an illness
like depression or suicide, when they were the very ones who gossiped and
mocked me for it.
Depression and suicide is serious. It is something I
experienced firsthand. And trust me when I say, words are strong enough to
break someone who suffers from it. If you ever feel like you can judge someone
based on something you think you know, think again. I promise you there is most
likely much more to the story than you think. And in my personal opinion, it is
nobody’s business. Those who feel the need to judge, or even worse, mock others
for going through a difficult time really need to reevaluate their life. You
never know what people are going through.
I will never underestimate or try to cover up how serious depression
and suicide is. It is real and it is painful. So to anyone who feels like
giving up, I promise you it gets better. I used to hate when people would tell
me that. They would always try to tell me it gets better and I never believed
them. But take it from me, it really does. Every single day it gets better.
With the right people in your life, and support… you can overcome it. vie never
been as happy as I am now. I learned who matters in my life and I learned a lot
about people for how they treated me when I was at rock bottom. Be strong
enough to eliminate anyone who judges you, or makes fun of such a serious
problem. Some people will assume they know your story and you owe them nothing.
If you feel like giving up, just keep
going! “Its just a bad day, not a bad life!”
