Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Going, Going, Gone...

Something happened to me today. something that made me step back and take a look at myself and what i'm trying to become. Its funny, I’ve grown up here in Bountiful…Spent most of my life here, but I never really got to know this place… or what it meant to me. Sometimes I get in my car and drive… with music blaring. I drive the same streets I drove in high school and listen to the same music, at least when I feel like it. Sometimes I try the 80’s, sometimes it’s more upbeat like pop… Country usually works for me all the time. 1:00 am… 2 am… 3:00. I drive and I think…. I like Bountiful that way. I like feeling safe and being able to listen to music and let it fix me when I feel like everything is falling apart. I always underestimate what that can do for me. Makes my world snap right into focus. I’m grateful for that. I’m also grateful for the fact that I have been able to learn what this place means to me.

Not too long ago I was sitting in a car with the boy I loved overlooking the city of Bountiful one night and he asked a simple question… “Why would anyone ever want to leave this place?” Well, in that moment I had to agree with him. It was the prettiest view, and I had the person I cared about right there sitting next to me. And sitting in silence was all I needed. I remember after 5 minutes or so of just staring at the view, I looked at him and couldn’t help but smile because I could sit there without feeling like I needed to say anything. And then two seconds later we would have some deep conversation like it was the most natural thing in the world for us.

Sometimes I miss that. I know I’m going to always miss that.. Being able to sit in a car or go on drives and talk about our plans. I felt so invincible then… like nothing could hurt me…or us. Our whole life was ahead of us and we had big plans… big big plans… I’ve spent many moments over the past few years talking of those plans with this person. Sharing our hopes for the future… for ourselves… for us. I miss that sometimes.

I found a person who I clicked with.. and as you get older you realize that’s not so easy to find. This person, as hard as it is for some people to understand, was always there for me. You know that feeling you get when something really good happens to you and you just want to share it with someone? Or when you’ve had a bad day or are upset and one person comes to mind on who to run to? This was that person for me. For a long time anyway. I realized that none of my great moments in life mattered if I didn’t have this person.  And then one day it was gone because of mistakes I made. I did get it back though, which most people never get the chance to say. But this time, it was the other person who let it go.

Part of me is angry for that. Angry at this person for so foolishly choosing to throw it away. I look back on that moment sitting in the car… I’ve replayed it a lot in my head. Sometimes it hits me hard that the last thing I remember is getting out of the car after talking and giving this person a hug. That was the last time I remember hearing I love you.. The last hug I really remember from him too. The last I’ll ever have from this person for the rest of my entire life. That kills me to say, knowing there will never be another word spoken between us. That it’ll never be as easy as hugging a person I cared about and hearing him tell me he loves me like that night. It’s never going to be like that. And part of me is angry, like I said, because this time it was a matter of choice. It wasn’t like it was forced.

When you get something back that you’ve taken for granted, you don’t continue to take it for granted do you?? You cherish everything and appreciate it a little more because its usually not until something is about to or is taken away from you that you realize what it meant to you. At least that’s the case for most people anyway. Not in this situation though.

I’ve  thought a lot about what I want. Especially about who I am as a person the past few weeks. One reason I have done that is because I had to stand back and watch someone who meant the world to me throw it away. Lose himself. And there have been many times I’ve wanted to shake this person by the shoulders and ask if he realizes what he’s doing. If he understands this is him… him choosing to run and give up on himself… and throw things away that are so good for him.

The past few weeks have been filled with huge milestones.. And there have been so many times I’ve grabbed my phone to call this person because I just wanted to share it. Two nights ago I found out someone who was always there for my family was only given a few more days/hours to live.. and I spent hours crying wondering why.. In that moment I picked up my phone and scrolled to the one person I have always been able to run to  no matter what. Whether we were talking or not, if it came down to it I ran to them and they were always there.. not this time though. It was different this time and I knew that. I realized I could no longer call this person. When I was upset, or happy about something… I’ll never be able to do that.

Here’s the thing, I woke up about a month ago and was hit with a  truck of realization. About what life
really meant. But the past few days with hearing that Jodie is so close to passing away it has only made that feeling stronger. I wish everyone could have that experience of waking up and realizing what REALLY matters in life. People who love you, family, a life to live that’s separate from work. friends... that person who does it for you, that you love.. Things that we all assume will always be there. Im here to tell you they won’t be. I know this because I just had to watch someone throw something away that was a big part of my life as well, and let them do it because I can’t make them realize it until they wake up and regret it all one day. And I know they will. Everyone wakes up one day and regrets letting something go.. or someone.. maybe a choice they made, or the way they treated someone or took them for granted by being selfish. And usually its always too late when they realize it but it usually is a big wake up call. It was for me anyway.

I find it unfair that a family as loving as the Clark’s has to go through this loss. And part of that has made me feel grateful because my dad is still here. I can’t help but wonder why some people have to go through it and some people don’t. Cancer is an evil thing that can ruin so much. But Jodie will always be remembered. I know that. She helped me take a look at my life and realize that everything I do needs to be focused on family, and my future, and people who show me they appreciate me. My heart breaks for them at this time. I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose such an amazing women/mother.

I guess to wrap it up I have one question… If there was a person you loved that you knew you would never see again, what would you say to them? If you could do one last thing for the ones you loved what would it be? Say it. Do it. Nothing lasts forever. And if you don’t, I can promise you that one day you will wake up when it’s all gone and wish you did. There is no excuse in this world that’s good enough to take the ones in your life who care about you for granted. Thanks for reading…Sorry this was a long rant. A lot on my mind tonight.

P.S.Thank you Jodie for the little reminder that life is worth more. You will always be right here in my heart to remind me to stop taking things for granted and to tell the ones I love that I care about them.

With love always,