Thursday, June 20, 2013

And You Might Find Yourself. There I Was, Now here I am!

"I got a lot of 'hey I'm sorrys'. The things I've done... Man that was not me. I wish that I could take it all back, I just wanna tell em that. I got off track , I made mistakes. Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost, lines get crossed, and the pain won't go away. I hit my knees now here I stand. There I was, now here I am. Changed for the better! More smiles, less bitter. I'm even starting to forgive myself. Changed."

There was a time in my life just a few short months ago when I didn’t know who I was whatsoever. I knew who I wanted to be. I knew who I used to be. I was sitting around last night and realized that I became the thing I used t hate.
After long deliberation I came to realize that I know who I am. Who I am was not the person I was a few months ago. I don’t know what happened to me or how I got to a point where I didn’t recognize myself. There was a time when I felt happy more than I felt sad and I searched for that for a long time to find it again. About six months ago I went on a date and there was a question he asked me that has stuck with me every day. He asked, “What makes you, you Chels? What is it that gives you so much to be happy about? What makes Chelsea, Chelsea?” Well, I couldn’t answer it. I could answer who it used to be though. I used to be a girl who NEVER would have never compromised myself for anyone. A girl who stood up for what she believed. Someone who didn’t let other opinions get me down.
Well, during that time I was going through a difficult experience. Not only did I lose someone who meant the world to me, but I lost myself in the process. I lost all that was familiar to me and most people will never understand that feeling.  This guy made me realize just how much I lost myself simply by asking me a question. Where was that girl? And when did I become a completely different person?
There was a point when a guy looked me in the eyes and told me he doesn’t believe people can change until they have reached rock bottom, and he never believed I would actually reach rock bottom because the people around me wouldn’t let me get to that point. Well, that guy was wrong. I hit rock bottom, and I hit it hard. About 4 months ago I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I was officially at rock bottom. So rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. Turns out that guy was right. You don’t change until you reach rock bottom, and I mean really reach rock bottom.
 People do it every day. They promise themselves they are going to make changed; that they are going to change themselves. And they never get around to it. But at that moment, I picked myself up off the bathroom floor and I told myself it was time to pick myself up and get back to who I was; who I wanted to be. I needed to stop looking back and living in the past. So I did.
There are so many people who say they don’t regret anything. They have learned from their mistakes. Well, I was at a point where I regretted almost every decision I made. Of course, I have learned from those mistakes, but I didn’t need to. I shouldn’t have had to learn from those mistakes because I already knew where they would get me. So yes, I do regret that time in my life but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it now except for change myself.

I look at people around me and all I can think is how glad I am to be where I am. I am so happy I am at this point in my life. Most people don’t realize what I have had to realize the past few months until they are older. I look around and I see people out partying and getting with people and I think, “are they really happy?” Maybe they are or maybe they’re running. Maybe they are simply trying to fit in and be accepted. But luckily for me, I never have really had the urge to find out what it was like on the other side of the fence. I never have needed to figure out what the fuss was all about.
There was a time when my life literally spun out of control. And I let it. I had to do a lot of soul searching during that time in my life. I realized who I was and most importantly, I have realized that who I am is enough. I know I’m not exactly where I need to be, but thank god I am not where I used to be. It took a lot for me to see that god would never make me go through something that I couldn’t handle. It turns out, the best experiences I have had are when my heart is broken, when I feel abandoned and out of options, and I have turned to god alone to heal the pain.
It took me hitting my lowest point for me to get here. It took me taking a long hard look at myself and the person I wanted to be for me to get a wakeup call and realize my life is far from over. When I think about what I want in life, the family I want to have so bad, and the man I want to marry, I have to think about myself. I need to be the person I know I can be. I need to attract the type of guy I want. Someone I can introduce to my family, someone who is going to be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. A guy who makes me happy. Who won’t complicate my life. Someone who won’t hurt me. And I need to be that girl for him. For a long time I asked myself what I wanted. Well, that’s what I want. Honestly, I think you’ve lost it if you don’t want the same. I’ve spent the last few months building myself back up from the point I got to. I have gone through every emotion you could ever imagine and I never thought I could look back and say it made me a better person, but it did. I don’t think it’s bad to be selfish at this time in my life. I heard once that your 20’s are your ‘selfish’ years. So yes, I am being selfish with my time and I am focusing on myself and I’ve never been happier to tell you the truth. It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority; it’s necessary.