Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Never Grow Up...

It all hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. There are three months left of school and I have NEVER had to make so many hard decisions in my life. When did it all happen? When did I grow up and turn into who I am today? Because I still remember being a five year old little girl.. I remember my grandma always telling me to believe in myself, always!

When I was little, I LOVED Disneyland! :) I guess loved is kind of an understatement haha. I loved the hope it gave me. Tinkerbell was always my favorite character. Being the oldest grandchild, my grandma/family loved spoiling me.. haha! They smothered me with these ideas about Tinkerbell and Disneyland. I remember getting SO excited when I actually believed in it all! I remember going to Disneyland when I was a little older and I finally realized it was all make believe. I still remember getting frustrated and saying "This is stupid.. It's not real! None of this is real."... Geez! I remember like it was yesterday my grandma telling me that it was real. That I had to believe in it! So I did... I believed in it for a while. I know Disneyland isn't real now, but it gave me some kind of hope when I was younger. :)

That's kinda mine and my grandma's thing. She still to this day will tell you that Disneyland is real if you believe in it. Just like Tinkerbell is. ;) Ya know, sometimes I wish I could go back to that. Back to when I thought nothing could hurt me and I believed in it all. "Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust".. Haha it's a phrase that is all too familiar to me. Everyone in my family could tell you that I was that little girl that lived off of fairytales and the belief that Disneyland was real. I guess in some way that is all still a part of me.. Call me crazy, but I still believe in "happy ever afters" and sadly, I have too HIGH of expectations for guys. I guess I have Disney to thank for that!.. ;)

I'm not a little girl anymore.. I'm going to be making harder decisions than choosing what crayon I want to color with :( Somewhere along the line I started to believe that I can "take care of myself".. and I have this idea in my head that I can't let people down in my life. I have to make all the right decisions. But what if I dont know the right decisions? What if I dont want to grow up anymore?

Lately I feel like my whole world is changing. I've become a girl who is too tired to believe in myself or to listen. For those of you who know me well, you know that I can be very hard to read sometimes. I DO NOT make decisions. That is why it is so hard for me to make decisions about my life right now. Anything major in my life can take forever for me to decide. I look to what matters to other people. I talk to others and get their ideas and I usually put it all together into something that satisfies everyone else, but some decisions I need to make on my own. The thing that is hard for me is that I am the type of person that is "laid back".. What I mean is, I like people to give me the specifics and a plan on how they want me to do it. I have never been good at making tough decisions. I question myself and I challenge what i dont feel is right.

All day today I just keep asking myself what people want from me. I mean my whole life I thought I had a plan about what I want to be and where I want to go to college and now I dont. It's like I have no idea what to do. All I know is I want to stay this young as long as I possibly can. I keep trying to figure out what the right thing is to do and I dont know what that is. I have absolutely no idea. I keep reminding myself to take pictures in my head of everything so i wont forget.. I realize now that I can lose everything based on one decision. If I move away, I feel like I'll lose who I am and what I have become. Is it bad to say that I don't ever want to grow up?.. :(

Saturday, March 3, 2012

I Got 99 Problems, And I'm All of Them.. ;)

I know it's been a while since I've posted. I have a lot on my mind right now.. and I've realized that I feel like writing is the only way I can say it best. So I'm just going to rant about everything and anything. Bear with me on this one..

I have always known I have a hard time saying how I feel. I cant express it very easily and that has definitely affected me lately. I dont just come right out and say how it is... and sometimes I wish I did. I put up a strong front. I recently heard a saying, "The truth will set you free"... I had no idea how true that was until I started thinking about everything.

If you haven't figured it out yet, one of the things I am going to be "rambling" about is communication. I mean, communicating is one of the first things we learn in life right? It's funny how you grow up and it actually starts getting harder to say what you really want or ask for it! At least, that's how it feels for me. Like I said earlier, I put up a strong front to protect myself. Not until recently did I ask myself where I should draw the line. I've had countless people tell me that I am too stubborn to admit how I'm really feeling. And lately I have seen the truth in that.

Now, truth be told, it's a girl thing. Most girls I know, including myself, say things and mean something COMPLETELY different at times! I have realized that as much as I want it to be true,  NO ONE can read my mind. So why do I find it difficult to express how I feel? And why do I get so frustrated that people don't automatically understand? Is it really just 'how I am?' Like I said, I 've seen a lot of truth in my life lately. I have opened my eyes. And I have come to realize that, although I thought I overcame it, I am still that shy, reserved girl I used to be when I was little. And for some reason, it is hard for me to admit! I HATE being shy.. and I didnt think I still was until I took a step back and realized that I only open up to people I am comfortable with. I guess I'm rambling about this because I am trying to convince myself that I need to start saying what I really mean and not assume people already know.

Now onto the next... Expectations!! I've heard it said that if you expect nothing than you'll never be disappointed, but is that possible? Because I have realized that I have expectations for people that I didn't even know I had. One of which is expecting people to clearly understand what I'm trying to say. So my question is: How do you know when you are expecting too much of someone? What if you are someone like me who has too high of expectations? One thing that I will say is I expect too much TOO SOON.. Let me put this in perspective, have you ever had someone expect perfection and nothing less? It's almost like you're doomed to fail right? That is when I think it becomes too much to ask. So as I try to see the truth.. I guess I want to be able to overcome my high expectations of others and being happy.

Well I guess I should try to wrap this long and completely random post up with my last "rant"... This one's a tough one and I'll tell ya why. I don't understand why people who have the most to say about me are the ones who really don't know about my life. "The people who know the least have the most to say".. Why?? News flash!! If I wanted you're opinion, trust me I would ask for it. Of course I understand that the people who really care about me are just looking out for me but I dont get why others do it.

One thing I have realized through all of this is that it doesnt matter how many times people tell me how to live my life. I cant even begin to explain how many times I have heard people tell me certain things aren't "worth my time". It may seem like I am compromising my dignity, and I may get upset or hurt but I know one thing for sure: I am happy! VERY happy! :) And if that's wrong, then so be it!!

I guess what I have realized is that I need to tell myself the truth about myself and by doing so it will help me become a better person. The past few months I've realized that I have to compromise things. Being stubborn gets me no where. I need to stop listening to what others think. Reality has given me an open mind. I want nothing more than to prove to people that they are wrong and above all else, I am going to make changes in order to be happier with the relationships I have in my life because that is all that matters.. :)