Friday, August 15, 2014

It's just a bad day... Not a bad life!

When I was 18 years old, I distinctly remember feeling like I had reached the absolute lowest point in my life. I felt all alone, although I had quite a few people who were there for me.

One day I woke up and decided I needed to let the pain go, I wanted to run far away from it. So I ran. I pushed everyone away. I remember saying my goodbyes… I wrote letters, I text the ones I loved, and then I cried for a long time. Somewhere in the middle of my crying I grabbed a bottle of pills and took some, and then for “fun” I took a few more…
I tried to kill myself. No sugarcoating it. No lies. It’s the truth, I wanted to die. You can go ahead and judge me now. Call me selfish. Call me a coward. Whatever you want. Your opinion is your own and does not define who I am now. I’ve heard it all
After taking an excessive amount of pills, I remember feeling my heart slow down. And all I kept asking myself was if this was REALLY what I wanted. I knew time was running out before someone found me so I grabbed a pen and paper and tried to write as fast as I could… I regretted it. Right then and there I didn’t want to die. I just wanted the pain to go away. I acted out on a temporary emotion. And I almost lost my life for it. My best friend found me about an hour later… and then her, her mom, and my boyfriend took me to the hospital.
I don’t remember much after that. I remember my boyfriend trying to keep my awake. All I kept hearing was “Why? Why did you do this to yourself? Please don’t close your eyes” That’s all I remember. I tried so hard to keep my eyes open but I just couldn’t.
The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital room confused. I was cold, and scared. When I looked down at my arm and saw an IV, I remembered why I was there. When I looked further down my arm I saw my boyfriend’s hand holding mine. And my best friend right next to him. My family was there, and so was my boyfriend’s. I remember feeling ashamed in some way. I purposely, and yes selfishly, felt like my pain was too much to bear. I could have never seen the ones I loved ever again because of my careless mistake.
In that moment I saw so much grace in their eyes. They looked like they had been up all night.. and they had been. It tore me apart knowing I hurt them. I owe them the world, along with my family (the ones that were here for me anyway) during this time of my life. The following months were the hardest for me.
The truth is, I had to deal with the fact that I wanted to die. I gave up.  And I never imagined I would be that girl. I’ve never felt so much support in my life. Things were much different after that. Nobody really knew I was suffering or that my pain was so extensive until after. I never really communicated it because I completely shut everyone out. I learned to change that after I got out of the hospital. My parents did all they could to support me and get me whatever help I needed. And my brother was the most worried about me. My boyfriend stood by me no matter what. His family supported me. My family comforted me, the ones that knew anyway.
A lot couldn’t understand. Some were angry at first, and others were just sad. But they all came together for me. And I honestly can say if it weren’t for them and for believing in me, I wouldn’t be here. But I didn’t write this to tell you my story. I wrote it because I am angry.. And the only way I can express it is to write it.
What a lot of people don’t know is that I had a lot of people judge me because of that. I had a lot of people talk about me and mock me for being depressed and trying to kill myself. I guess it’s life right? People talk shit. They talk about things they don’t even know about. I was used to it. But it really pissed me off that people had the nerve to kick me when I was already down. I haven’t told many people of this. Not until now.
My parents knew, but no one else did. The year after I attempted suicide I had to deal with evil comments, bitchy girls, people who thought I was less of a person because I attempted suicide in a weak moment and they thought they knew the whole story. Many times I brushed it off. I even had family members talk behind my back. But I kept telling myself the ones who matter in my life would support me, and I focused on that. I focused on myself for a long time.
It didn’t happen overnight. But every day I got better. Every once and a while I would hear that people were talking about me, about my past….And then social media came into play. It didn’t start with that though. First it was just the rumors, then it was people texting me acting like they all the sudden cared about how I was, and then it turned into social media.
I’ve never tried to hide it. If people asked me I always told them the whole story. I made a lot of mistakes. I can’t change my past. I was depressed for a long time. It was an illness to me. I did everything I could, but eventually I let it get the best of me.
I finally felt better after I addressed all of my problems, I was happier. But at that time, unfortunately, people began to talk. More specifically, people who thought they had a right to judge me started to talk. They got word that I tried to kill myself. One thing you should know, and I think everyone knows a group of these people in their lives, is that this specific group of people put themselves on a pedestal. They are the kind of people who have no idea what affect they have on others. They didn’t know half of my story, they hardly even knew me as a person…And they felt the need to judge ME because I tried to kill myself.
This group said things that hurt, it hurt so bad I felt like I was slowly becoming the girl I used to be. The depressed person I once was. I would try to remind myself that I couldn’t let this group who thought it was funny to mock me, and MANY others, for their actions get the best of me. I couldn’t give them that satisfaction.
But one day I was on social media and a girl posted several cruel comments. It had been going on for quite some time but this post made me question humanity altogether. This person said, of course not directly but very clearly meant it to be for me, that “maybe you should go try to kill yourself again.” I remember my parents being enraged when they found me in tears and I had to tell them I was being mocked and bullied for something so horrible. I knew this specific person wasn’t very fond of me, I knew this entire group in general wasn’t… but I never thought they could be so malicious as to put someone down about something so serious.

The reason I am writing about this particular instance isn’t to call this person out. I could care less. They know who they are. They know the pain they cause, to not only me, but several others around them. They have been this way since high school and in my opinion, they won’t ever grow out of it. I understand some people are just like that. They will talk about me and mock me. Its life and there will always be people like that. Does it make it okay? No, not at all. It’s something I’ll never understand.  But being a person who tried to kill herself, and learned that it is never the answer.. I was more than just offended by the comments they made about me.
I heard several things were said of me after word got around that I attempted suicide and was battling depression. The funny thing is, it has never been a secret. I’ve never tried to hide that I was in a bad place. I’m not ashamed of it because I would never be where I am today if it weren’t for that. I learned I couldn’t make a permanent decision on a temporary emotion. I also learned a lot about people in my life. The ones who will support me no matter what, the ones who will put me down, and then there are the ones who will talk behind my back.
That’s life. I expect that. I’ve never really cared but for a person to mock me over suicide and depression- I took it personal and very seriously. The reason I am writing this, is not because I wanted people to know about the rumors and the people who talked about me. I wrote it because a few days ago one of the people who did have the nerve to talk about me posted something about how they take suicide “very seriously” as well as depression. They mentioned that they wish others would understand it is an illness. Yes, it is an illness. And I dealt with it firsthand. As you can imagine, I was enraged reading such a hypocritical thing coming from one of the very people who specifically mocked ME for trying to commit suicide and whose friend told me I should go try and kill myself again.
I’ve sat around wondering how someone can act like they cared about Robin Williams, who recently lost his life because of suicide, or anyone else who suffers with such a serious problem when just a year ago they were the ones making fun of me for attempting suicide myself. Kinda hypocritical if you ask me. Of course that makes me angry. I have no respect whatsoever for this person, or anyone else who had so much to say about me.
I went through hell for a long time and it was a long road to recovery… And they thought it was okay to put me down.  Ill tell you one thing, I have so much disgust in those same people who have the nerve to turn around and act like they support those who suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts when it wasn’t long ago they thought it was funny to make rude remarks about my personal life.
These types of people are ones I will have to deal with my whole life. I’ve moved on from it. I am a better person than I was. Ive even forgiven them for the apology I never got about how I should try to kill myself again. Do I respect them? Absolutely not. I have no respect for anybody who can claim they all the sudden care and support those who suffer from an illness like depression or suicide, when they were the very ones who gossiped and mocked me for it.
Depression and suicide is serious. It is something I experienced firsthand. And trust me when I say, words are strong enough to break someone who suffers from it. If you ever feel like you can judge someone based on something you think you know, think again. I promise you there is most likely much more to the story than you think. And in my personal opinion, it is nobody’s business. Those who feel the need to judge, or even worse, mock others for going through a difficult time really need to reevaluate their life. You never know what people are going through.
I will never underestimate or try to cover up how serious depression and suicide is. It is real and it is painful. So to anyone who feels like giving up, I promise you it gets better. I used to hate when people would tell me that. They would always try to tell me it gets better and I never believed them. But take it from me, it really does. Every single day it gets better. With the right people in your life, and support… you can overcome it. vie never been as happy as I am now. I learned who matters in my life and I learned a lot about people for how they treated me when I was at rock bottom. Be strong enough to eliminate anyone who judges you, or makes fun of such a serious problem. Some people will assume they know your story and you owe them nothing.  If you feel like giving up, just keep going! “Its just a bad day, not a bad life!”

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Going, Going, Gone...

Something happened to me today. something that made me step back and take a look at myself and what i'm trying to become. Its funny, I’ve grown up here in Bountiful…Spent most of my life here, but I never really got to know this place… or what it meant to me. Sometimes I get in my car and drive… with music blaring. I drive the same streets I drove in high school and listen to the same music, at least when I feel like it. Sometimes I try the 80’s, sometimes it’s more upbeat like pop… Country usually works for me all the time. 1:00 am… 2 am… 3:00. I drive and I think…. I like Bountiful that way. I like feeling safe and being able to listen to music and let it fix me when I feel like everything is falling apart. I always underestimate what that can do for me. Makes my world snap right into focus. I’m grateful for that. I’m also grateful for the fact that I have been able to learn what this place means to me.

Not too long ago I was sitting in a car with the boy I loved overlooking the city of Bountiful one night and he asked a simple question… “Why would anyone ever want to leave this place?” Well, in that moment I had to agree with him. It was the prettiest view, and I had the person I cared about right there sitting next to me. And sitting in silence was all I needed. I remember after 5 minutes or so of just staring at the view, I looked at him and couldn’t help but smile because I could sit there without feeling like I needed to say anything. And then two seconds later we would have some deep conversation like it was the most natural thing in the world for us.

Sometimes I miss that. I know I’m going to always miss that.. Being able to sit in a car or go on drives and talk about our plans. I felt so invincible then… like nothing could hurt me…or us. Our whole life was ahead of us and we had big plans… big big plans… I’ve spent many moments over the past few years talking of those plans with this person. Sharing our hopes for the future… for ourselves… for us. I miss that sometimes.

I found a person who I clicked with.. and as you get older you realize that’s not so easy to find. This person, as hard as it is for some people to understand, was always there for me. You know that feeling you get when something really good happens to you and you just want to share it with someone? Or when you’ve had a bad day or are upset and one person comes to mind on who to run to? This was that person for me. For a long time anyway. I realized that none of my great moments in life mattered if I didn’t have this person.  And then one day it was gone because of mistakes I made. I did get it back though, which most people never get the chance to say. But this time, it was the other person who let it go.

Part of me is angry for that. Angry at this person for so foolishly choosing to throw it away. I look back on that moment sitting in the car… I’ve replayed it a lot in my head. Sometimes it hits me hard that the last thing I remember is getting out of the car after talking and giving this person a hug. That was the last time I remember hearing I love you.. The last hug I really remember from him too. The last I’ll ever have from this person for the rest of my entire life. That kills me to say, knowing there will never be another word spoken between us. That it’ll never be as easy as hugging a person I cared about and hearing him tell me he loves me like that night. It’s never going to be like that. And part of me is angry, like I said, because this time it was a matter of choice. It wasn’t like it was forced.

When you get something back that you’ve taken for granted, you don’t continue to take it for granted do you?? You cherish everything and appreciate it a little more because its usually not until something is about to or is taken away from you that you realize what it meant to you. At least that’s the case for most people anyway. Not in this situation though.

I’ve  thought a lot about what I want. Especially about who I am as a person the past few weeks. One reason I have done that is because I had to stand back and watch someone who meant the world to me throw it away. Lose himself. And there have been many times I’ve wanted to shake this person by the shoulders and ask if he realizes what he’s doing. If he understands this is him… him choosing to run and give up on himself… and throw things away that are so good for him.

The past few weeks have been filled with huge milestones.. And there have been so many times I’ve grabbed my phone to call this person because I just wanted to share it. Two nights ago I found out someone who was always there for my family was only given a few more days/hours to live.. and I spent hours crying wondering why.. In that moment I picked up my phone and scrolled to the one person I have always been able to run to  no matter what. Whether we were talking or not, if it came down to it I ran to them and they were always there.. not this time though. It was different this time and I knew that. I realized I could no longer call this person. When I was upset, or happy about something… I’ll never be able to do that.

Here’s the thing, I woke up about a month ago and was hit with a  truck of realization. About what life
really meant. But the past few days with hearing that Jodie is so close to passing away it has only made that feeling stronger. I wish everyone could have that experience of waking up and realizing what REALLY matters in life. People who love you, family, a life to live that’s separate from work. friends... that person who does it for you, that you love.. Things that we all assume will always be there. Im here to tell you they won’t be. I know this because I just had to watch someone throw something away that was a big part of my life as well, and let them do it because I can’t make them realize it until they wake up and regret it all one day. And I know they will. Everyone wakes up one day and regrets letting something go.. or someone.. maybe a choice they made, or the way they treated someone or took them for granted by being selfish. And usually its always too late when they realize it but it usually is a big wake up call. It was for me anyway.

I find it unfair that a family as loving as the Clark’s has to go through this loss. And part of that has made me feel grateful because my dad is still here. I can’t help but wonder why some people have to go through it and some people don’t. Cancer is an evil thing that can ruin so much. But Jodie will always be remembered. I know that. She helped me take a look at my life and realize that everything I do needs to be focused on family, and my future, and people who show me they appreciate me. My heart breaks for them at this time. I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose such an amazing women/mother.

I guess to wrap it up I have one question… If there was a person you loved that you knew you would never see again, what would you say to them? If you could do one last thing for the ones you loved what would it be? Say it. Do it. Nothing lasts forever. And if you don’t, I can promise you that one day you will wake up when it’s all gone and wish you did. There is no excuse in this world that’s good enough to take the ones in your life who care about you for granted. Thanks for reading…Sorry this was a long rant. A lot on my mind tonight.

P.S.Thank you Jodie for the little reminder that life is worth more. You will always be right here in my heart to remind me to stop taking things for granted and to tell the ones I love that I care about them.

With love always,


Thursday, June 20, 2013

And You Might Find Yourself. There I Was, Now here I am!

"I got a lot of 'hey I'm sorrys'. The things I've done... Man that was not me. I wish that I could take it all back, I just wanna tell em that. I got off track , I made mistakes. Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost, lines get crossed, and the pain won't go away. I hit my knees now here I stand. There I was, now here I am. Changed for the better! More smiles, less bitter. I'm even starting to forgive myself. Changed."

There was a time in my life just a few short months ago when I didn’t know who I was whatsoever. I knew who I wanted to be. I knew who I used to be. I was sitting around last night and realized that I became the thing I used t hate.
After long deliberation I came to realize that I know who I am. Who I am was not the person I was a few months ago. I don’t know what happened to me or how I got to a point where I didn’t recognize myself. There was a time when I felt happy more than I felt sad and I searched for that for a long time to find it again. About six months ago I went on a date and there was a question he asked me that has stuck with me every day. He asked, “What makes you, you Chels? What is it that gives you so much to be happy about? What makes Chelsea, Chelsea?” Well, I couldn’t answer it. I could answer who it used to be though. I used to be a girl who NEVER would have never compromised myself for anyone. A girl who stood up for what she believed. Someone who didn’t let other opinions get me down.
Well, during that time I was going through a difficult experience. Not only did I lose someone who meant the world to me, but I lost myself in the process. I lost all that was familiar to me and most people will never understand that feeling.  This guy made me realize just how much I lost myself simply by asking me a question. Where was that girl? And when did I become a completely different person?
There was a point when a guy looked me in the eyes and told me he doesn’t believe people can change until they have reached rock bottom, and he never believed I would actually reach rock bottom because the people around me wouldn’t let me get to that point. Well, that guy was wrong. I hit rock bottom, and I hit it hard. About 4 months ago I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I was officially at rock bottom. So rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. Turns out that guy was right. You don’t change until you reach rock bottom, and I mean really reach rock bottom.
 People do it every day. They promise themselves they are going to make changed; that they are going to change themselves. And they never get around to it. But at that moment, I picked myself up off the bathroom floor and I told myself it was time to pick myself up and get back to who I was; who I wanted to be. I needed to stop looking back and living in the past. So I did.
There are so many people who say they don’t regret anything. They have learned from their mistakes. Well, I was at a point where I regretted almost every decision I made. Of course, I have learned from those mistakes, but I didn’t need to. I shouldn’t have had to learn from those mistakes because I already knew where they would get me. So yes, I do regret that time in my life but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it now except for change myself.

I look at people around me and all I can think is how glad I am to be where I am. I am so happy I am at this point in my life. Most people don’t realize what I have had to realize the past few months until they are older. I look around and I see people out partying and getting with people and I think, “are they really happy?” Maybe they are or maybe they’re running. Maybe they are simply trying to fit in and be accepted. But luckily for me, I never have really had the urge to find out what it was like on the other side of the fence. I never have needed to figure out what the fuss was all about.
There was a time when my life literally spun out of control. And I let it. I had to do a lot of soul searching during that time in my life. I realized who I was and most importantly, I have realized that who I am is enough. I know I’m not exactly where I need to be, but thank god I am not where I used to be. It took a lot for me to see that god would never make me go through something that I couldn’t handle. It turns out, the best experiences I have had are when my heart is broken, when I feel abandoned and out of options, and I have turned to god alone to heal the pain.
It took me hitting my lowest point for me to get here. It took me taking a long hard look at myself and the person I wanted to be for me to get a wakeup call and realize my life is far from over. When I think about what I want in life, the family I want to have so bad, and the man I want to marry, I have to think about myself. I need to be the person I know I can be. I need to attract the type of guy I want. Someone I can introduce to my family, someone who is going to be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. A guy who makes me happy. Who won’t complicate my life. Someone who won’t hurt me. And I need to be that girl for him. For a long time I asked myself what I wanted. Well, that’s what I want. Honestly, I think you’ve lost it if you don’t want the same. I’ve spent the last few months building myself back up from the point I got to. I have gone through every emotion you could ever imagine and I never thought I could look back and say it made me a better person, but it did. I don’t think it’s bad to be selfish at this time in my life. I heard once that your 20’s are your ‘selfish’ years. So yes, I am being selfish with my time and I am focusing on myself and I’ve never been happier to tell you the truth. It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority; it’s necessary.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

A Son's first hero; A Daughter's First Love

It's hard to believe that it was nearly ten years ago that I first heard the word "cancer".. Something an eight-year old shouldn't have to hear! The same age my dad was when his mom passed away from cancer. I don't talk about this much... Most people who know me, know that I don't open up very easily and I tend to hide the things I'm afraid of, even though it's constantly on my mind! I was young... But I remember every single part of that day. One of my parents would always pick me up after school.. Without fail! But that day was different. My aunt picked me up and she was late. She didn't hide it very well. I could see she had been crying and I had no idea why. I didn't ask! I wasn't sure I wanted to know. But right at that moment it hit me. I knew something was wrong.

My family was living at my grandmas house at the time while we were building our new house. I remember pulling into the driveway and running inside just to see my parents, or my grandma. Walking inside I had no idea what was really happening. Seeing my whole entire family there was quite a shock!! But seeing my dad crying... That was even more of a shock. I just remember everyone crying.. All in the front room. And all I wanted was answers. I wanted to know why! But all I needed was to hug my dad. And I did for a long time. When I finally asked what was wrong I knew they were hesitant.

My family has always been close. And my parents did the best they could to protect me when I was that young. They told me it was nothing and it wasn't a big deal! So I trusted them. Even though in the back of my mind I still worried! I'll never forget when I found out they lied to me. They didn't tell me he had cancer... That he was sick! And I felt absolutely betrayed, and angry! I know they did it out of concern and love, but I thought I was old enough to handle it, at least at the time I did. Boy, was I wrong!

Even after finding out he had A-Plastic Anemia, I didn't know the half of it. I remember noticing my parents were gone a lot after that, but I didn't know they were at the hospital that much! His chances weren't good... And I had no idea. I loved playing at my grandmas! It was familiar, and it was a place I didn't have to worry. So I was content with that. I didn't think much of it. I actually thought it was cool that we could give daddy shots at home everyday... And his hair was falling out! But I still knew something was wrong. Seeing my mom cry, going to hospital and riding in the wheelchair on my dads lap with the teddy bear he gave me before he went into the hospital, falling asleep in the room with him and making my grandma drag us out because we didn't want to leave them... Those are the things I remember! And then it was all over. He was fine, as far as I was concerned I had my dad back! He was in remission... And all that meant to me was that I got him back!

He was in the clear for a very long time! It became something that stopped worrying me. We never did move into that house we were building, because we were too busy with everything else. It turns out, that was probably the best thing that ever happened! I don't know what I would do if I had never moved here to Bountiful! I was in fourth grade when we moved here! I grew to love it over time. It wasn't until I was fifteen that things started up once again. Dad went to his check up and found that his counts were down. The doctors didn't know what was wrong, and after two years of research they diagnosed him with Myelodisplastia(MDS), which is a rare form of blood cancer. The doctors said they believed he got this cancer from chemo the first time. This time, my brother and I were older. We knew was happening, but that didn't make it any better... If anything, it made it worse!

Treatments started but it wasn't until the summer before I went into high school that they realized they would have to go to Texas for his bone marrow transplant. Again, my parents did what was best for us! They left for five months... And kept us in school here in Utah. We could have moved down to Texas to be with our parents, but they thought it would be in our best interest to stay here. So they flew down to Texas on our first day of school. It was my first day of high school... And it was hard enough, but knowing my parents were on a plane to Texas without me was even harder. I was fine. Most people who knew me probably had no idea that I had no parents around for months. Except for the people I was close too. Most people have no idea how hard it was on me and my family.. Because I hid it! I run from things... Its what I do best! And I ran from this as far as I possibly could. I realized just how important my parents were. Coming home to a house and knowing your parents won't be there isn't a very welcoming feeling.

I still am shocked at how much support people gave me. Even though I never talked about it with people, they knew it was hard. Part of me was so angry that my parents were away from me. That I didn't have them here with me and my brother. I took it very hard and I felt it was my responsibility to stay strong for my brother. So I was. I never let anyone see me cry! I put up a wall that no one could break down. My mom came home for my first dance. My dad was doing a little better and she wanted to be here. She got to watch me cheer for the first time at a football game... She got to see my life and how much it had changed while she was down in Texas taking care of my dad! It was hard for me to look into a crowd of people at a game and not finding comfort because my parents weren't there.

It was the small things that really got to me. I only broke down a few times at football games... Every once and a while I'd get thinking about how much they were missing and I'd cry, but my friends were there! And words can't describe how grateful I am to them for that! I never admit that my parents leaving changed a lot for me, but it did! No one could get through to me while they were gone and I ALWAYS avoided the subject... I didn't talk to my friends about it, my mom, or my family... I acted like it was all normal. Like there was nothing wrong. I found solace in my boyfriend at the time. And not many people understood that at all. I didn't even understand why I could only open up to him about it. All I know is I don't know where I'd be without that comfort. Call it weird, but his family became something special to me because I could be myself, and I didn't have to pretend I was okay for them. Most people, including them, still probably have no idea why I found comfort coming into their lives.. Or why he was the one who helped me feel like everything would be okay! One thing is for sure, I owe a lot for that. People that didn't have a clue how I was feeling were there for me... And they didn't even realize it!

It's weird to look back on it all and think it really wasn't that long ago! The thought of losing my dad would kill me. I have so much respect for my mom for doing everything she possibly could for him! And my dad truly is my hero! Going into the hospital and seeing him fight every single day for his life amazed me! The doctors say all the time that it was all in my dads attitude! Leaving us wasn't an option. My dad is the funniest guy in the world. He always has a smile, even when he was at his lowest. I couldn't be prouder to say my dad is the strongest man there is and he never stops fighting! I love him so much and I am so grateful for such an amazing example and hero in my life! Thanks Daddy for all you do and for believing in me. You're the one person who has never doubted what I can do! I love you so much! Happy Fathers Day <3 Read this article over again and am amazed at all the support through it all! Couldn't be prouder of my daddy!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Show Must Go On

If you would have asked me three years ago how I pictured I would feel right now, I would have probably said that I would have everything figured out!. I would have said I would be overjoyed at the fact that I am leaving this place, and most the people in high school.. and a part of me is! Truth be known, I couldn't be happier to get away from most things in high school.. haha! But part of me doesn't want it to end because it changes a lot. I step into a new world. That scares me. I had someone tell me today that I'm the hardest person to read. That I need to start saying how I feel. So I asked myself how I was feeling right at that moment.. and I couldn't answer the question. So here's my best attempt...

The hardest thing about growing up for me, is letting go of what I was used to, and moving on with something I'm not. The past month has been a real eye opener for me. To say that stress has gotten the best of me would be an understatement. I completely changed the way I saw things and to be honest, I don't like the way I saw them.

It's been said that times changes things... Well, I disagree. Time doesn't change anything. The three years I have been in high school, I've realized that doing things changes things. If I didn't do anything, it would have stayed exactly the same way it was. As I look back on high school.. The one thing I found comforting was cheer and my friends. Part of me is sad to let it all go. It has all become a huge part of my life, but today I realized it's all in the past. No matter how fast it went by, this week means it's time to let it go. Graduation is a time for goodbye. It's a chance to look back on every memory and smile, and walk away from it all knowing that there are better things in store! :)

Very few people know exactly how I am. Most people don't have the slightest clue. The people who have stood by me through it all... through all the memories of high school.. Those are the people who know me! Those are the people I owe the world to. The past month I've changed the way I look at things, and not until this past weekend did I realize that it got me no where. Looking back, I've made a lot of mistakes. I was asked today if I regret any of it, and I said no. If there is one thing I've learned it's that sometimes I had to do the wrong thing. Sometimes I had to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. In the end, it has helped me find who I really am. Who I want to be.

With graduation on Friday I've had a lot of time to wake up and look back on everything. It always seemed so far away and in a matter of a second I feel like it has snuck up on me. Its finally here! The week I swore I'd live up! Its the end of one life for me and the beginning of another and I couldn't be happier!

It's hard to believe I've walked the halls of Woods Cross for the past three years. Most of the people that have passed me every day I don't even know. And I'm leaving that all behind. Somewhere between cheering at football games, falling asleep in class, and dealing with more than enough drama to last me a lifetime... I grew to love it! I loved that feeling of cheering on the sidelines at every game with the girls who became sisters to me. I liked the idea of getting through a week of school and going home on a Friday night knowing I had the whole weekend to have the time of my life! And I couldn't be more grateful for all the people who challenged me.. who pushed me. The ones who had nothing good to say about me and my life! The ones who put me through hard times and who made me realize that the person I am could really care less. I got through it all even stronger than I was before! Those are the people I have to thank.

There are so many people I owe thanks to.... My parents especially! I've put them through a lot the past few years but they are always there. To the people who continue to support me no matter what and believe in the person I am. The people who love me and give me so much happiness, so much to live for! I have grown up a lot the past few months and I have a lot more of growing up to do. I think it's safe to say I am beyond ready to let high school go! It only gets better from here!! :)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Never Grow Up...

It all hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. There are three months left of school and I have NEVER had to make so many hard decisions in my life. When did it all happen? When did I grow up and turn into who I am today? Because I still remember being a five year old little girl.. I remember my grandma always telling me to believe in myself, always!

When I was little, I LOVED Disneyland! :) I guess loved is kind of an understatement haha. I loved the hope it gave me. Tinkerbell was always my favorite character. Being the oldest grandchild, my grandma/family loved spoiling me.. haha! They smothered me with these ideas about Tinkerbell and Disneyland. I remember getting SO excited when I actually believed in it all! I remember going to Disneyland when I was a little older and I finally realized it was all make believe. I still remember getting frustrated and saying "This is stupid.. It's not real! None of this is real."... Geez! I remember like it was yesterday my grandma telling me that it was real. That I had to believe in it! So I did... I believed in it for a while. I know Disneyland isn't real now, but it gave me some kind of hope when I was younger. :)

That's kinda mine and my grandma's thing. She still to this day will tell you that Disneyland is real if you believe in it. Just like Tinkerbell is. ;) Ya know, sometimes I wish I could go back to that. Back to when I thought nothing could hurt me and I believed in it all. "Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust".. Haha it's a phrase that is all too familiar to me. Everyone in my family could tell you that I was that little girl that lived off of fairytales and the belief that Disneyland was real. I guess in some way that is all still a part of me.. Call me crazy, but I still believe in "happy ever afters" and sadly, I have too HIGH of expectations for guys. I guess I have Disney to thank for that!.. ;)

I'm not a little girl anymore.. I'm going to be making harder decisions than choosing what crayon I want to color with :( Somewhere along the line I started to believe that I can "take care of myself".. and I have this idea in my head that I can't let people down in my life. I have to make all the right decisions. But what if I dont know the right decisions? What if I dont want to grow up anymore?

Lately I feel like my whole world is changing. I've become a girl who is too tired to believe in myself or to listen. For those of you who know me well, you know that I can be very hard to read sometimes. I DO NOT make decisions. That is why it is so hard for me to make decisions about my life right now. Anything major in my life can take forever for me to decide. I look to what matters to other people. I talk to others and get their ideas and I usually put it all together into something that satisfies everyone else, but some decisions I need to make on my own. The thing that is hard for me is that I am the type of person that is "laid back".. What I mean is, I like people to give me the specifics and a plan on how they want me to do it. I have never been good at making tough decisions. I question myself and I challenge what i dont feel is right.

All day today I just keep asking myself what people want from me. I mean my whole life I thought I had a plan about what I want to be and where I want to go to college and now I dont. It's like I have no idea what to do. All I know is I want to stay this young as long as I possibly can. I keep trying to figure out what the right thing is to do and I dont know what that is. I have absolutely no idea. I keep reminding myself to take pictures in my head of everything so i wont forget.. I realize now that I can lose everything based on one decision. If I move away, I feel like I'll lose who I am and what I have become. Is it bad to say that I don't ever want to grow up?.. :(

Saturday, March 3, 2012

I Got 99 Problems, And I'm All of Them.. ;)

I know it's been a while since I've posted. I have a lot on my mind right now.. and I've realized that I feel like writing is the only way I can say it best. So I'm just going to rant about everything and anything. Bear with me on this one..

I have always known I have a hard time saying how I feel. I cant express it very easily and that has definitely affected me lately. I dont just come right out and say how it is... and sometimes I wish I did. I put up a strong front. I recently heard a saying, "The truth will set you free"... I had no idea how true that was until I started thinking about everything.

If you haven't figured it out yet, one of the things I am going to be "rambling" about is communication. I mean, communicating is one of the first things we learn in life right? It's funny how you grow up and it actually starts getting harder to say what you really want or ask for it! At least, that's how it feels for me. Like I said earlier, I put up a strong front to protect myself. Not until recently did I ask myself where I should draw the line. I've had countless people tell me that I am too stubborn to admit how I'm really feeling. And lately I have seen the truth in that.

Now, truth be told, it's a girl thing. Most girls I know, including myself, say things and mean something COMPLETELY different at times! I have realized that as much as I want it to be true,  NO ONE can read my mind. So why do I find it difficult to express how I feel? And why do I get so frustrated that people don't automatically understand? Is it really just 'how I am?' Like I said, I 've seen a lot of truth in my life lately. I have opened my eyes. And I have come to realize that, although I thought I overcame it, I am still that shy, reserved girl I used to be when I was little. And for some reason, it is hard for me to admit! I HATE being shy.. and I didnt think I still was until I took a step back and realized that I only open up to people I am comfortable with. I guess I'm rambling about this because I am trying to convince myself that I need to start saying what I really mean and not assume people already know.

Now onto the next... Expectations!! I've heard it said that if you expect nothing than you'll never be disappointed, but is that possible? Because I have realized that I have expectations for people that I didn't even know I had. One of which is expecting people to clearly understand what I'm trying to say. So my question is: How do you know when you are expecting too much of someone? What if you are someone like me who has too high of expectations? One thing that I will say is I expect too much TOO SOON.. Let me put this in perspective, have you ever had someone expect perfection and nothing less? It's almost like you're doomed to fail right? That is when I think it becomes too much to ask. So as I try to see the truth.. I guess I want to be able to overcome my high expectations of others and being happy.

Well I guess I should try to wrap this long and completely random post up with my last "rant"... This one's a tough one and I'll tell ya why. I don't understand why people who have the most to say about me are the ones who really don't know about my life. "The people who know the least have the most to say".. Why?? News flash!! If I wanted you're opinion, trust me I would ask for it. Of course I understand that the people who really care about me are just looking out for me but I dont get why others do it.

One thing I have realized through all of this is that it doesnt matter how many times people tell me how to live my life. I cant even begin to explain how many times I have heard people tell me certain things aren't "worth my time". It may seem like I am compromising my dignity, and I may get upset or hurt but I know one thing for sure: I am happy! VERY happy! :) And if that's wrong, then so be it!!

I guess what I have realized is that I need to tell myself the truth about myself and by doing so it will help me become a better person. The past few months I've realized that I have to compromise things. Being stubborn gets me no where. I need to stop listening to what others think. Reality has given me an open mind. I want nothing more than to prove to people that they are wrong and above all else, I am going to make changes in order to be happier with the relationships I have in my life because that is all that matters.. :)