It all hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. There are three months left of school and I have NEVER had to make so many hard decisions in my life. When did it all happen? When did I grow up and turn into who I am today? Because I still remember being a five year old little girl.. I remember my grandma always telling me to believe in myself, always!
When I was little, I LOVED Disneyland! :) I guess loved is kind of an understatement haha. I loved the hope it gave me. Tinkerbell was always my favorite character. Being the oldest grandchild, my grandma/family loved spoiling me.. haha! They smothered me with these ideas about Tinkerbell and Disneyland. I remember getting SO excited when I actually believed in it all! I remember going to Disneyland when I was a little older and I finally realized it was all make believe. I still remember getting frustrated and saying "This is stupid.. It's not real! None of this is real."... Geez! I remember like it was yesterday my grandma telling me that it was real. That I had to believe in it! So I did... I believed in it for a while. I know Disneyland isn't real now, but it gave me some kind of hope when I was younger. :)
That's kinda mine and my grandma's thing. She still to this day will tell you that Disneyland is real if you believe in it. Just like Tinkerbell is. ;) Ya know, sometimes I wish I could go back to that. Back to when I thought nothing could hurt me and I believed in it all. "Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust".. Haha it's a phrase that is all too familiar to me. Everyone in my family could tell you that I was that little girl that lived off of fairytales and the belief that Disneyland was real. I guess in some way that is all still a part of me.. Call me crazy, but I still believe in "happy ever afters" and sadly, I have too HIGH of expectations for guys. I guess I have Disney to thank for that!.. ;)
I'm not a little girl anymore.. I'm going to be making harder decisions than choosing what crayon I want to color with :( Somewhere along the line I started to believe that I can "take care of myself".. and I have this idea in my head that I can't let people down in my life. I have to make all the right decisions. But what if I dont know the right decisions? What if I dont want to grow up anymore?
Lately I feel like my whole world is changing. I've become a girl who is too tired to believe in myself or to listen. For those of you who know me well, you know that I can be very hard to read sometimes. I DO NOT make decisions. That is why it is so hard for me to make decisions about my life right now. Anything major in my life can take forever for me to decide. I look to what matters to other people. I talk to others and get their ideas and I usually put it all together into something that satisfies everyone else, but some decisions I need to make on my own. The thing that is hard for me is that I am the type of person that is "laid back".. What I mean is, I like people to give me the specifics and a plan on how they want me to do it. I have never been good at making tough decisions. I question myself and I challenge what i dont feel is right.
All day today I just keep asking myself what people want from me. I mean my whole life I thought I had a plan about what I want to be and where I want to go to college and now I dont. It's like I have no idea what to do. All I know is I want to stay this young as long as I possibly can. I keep trying to figure out what the right thing is to do and I dont know what that is. I have absolutely no idea. I keep reminding myself to take pictures in my head of everything so i wont forget.. I realize now that I can lose everything based on one decision. If I move away, I feel like I'll lose who I am and what I have become. Is it bad to say that I don't ever want to grow up?.. :(