I know it's been a while since I've posted. I have a lot on my mind right now.. and I've realized that I feel like writing is the only way I can say it best. So I'm just going to rant about everything and anything. Bear with me on this one..
I have always known I have a hard time saying how I feel. I cant express it very easily and that has definitely affected me lately. I dont just come right out and say how it is... and sometimes I wish I did. I put up a strong front. I recently heard a saying, "The truth will set you free"... I had no idea how true that was until I started thinking about everything.
If you haven't figured it out yet, one of the things I am going to be "rambling" about is communication. I mean, communicating is one of the first things we learn in life right? It's funny how you grow up and it actually starts getting harder to say what you really want or ask for it! At least, that's how it feels for me. Like I said earlier, I put up a strong front to protect myself. Not until recently did I ask myself where I should draw the line. I've had countless people tell me that I am too stubborn to admit how I'm really feeling. And lately I have seen the truth in that.
Now, truth be told, it's a girl thing. Most girls I know, including myself, say things and mean something COMPLETELY different at times! I have realized that as much as I want it to be true, NO ONE can read my mind. So why do I find it difficult to express how I feel? And why do I get so frustrated that people don't automatically understand? Is it really just 'how I am?' Like I said, I 've seen a lot of truth in my life lately. I have opened my eyes. And I have come to realize that, although I thought I overcame it, I am still that shy, reserved girl I used to be when I was little. And for some reason, it is hard for me to admit! I HATE being shy.. and I didnt think I still was until I took a step back and realized that I only open up to people I am comfortable with. I guess I'm rambling about this because I am trying to convince myself that I need to start saying what I really mean and not assume people already know.
Now onto the next... Expectations!! I've heard it said that if you expect nothing than you'll never be disappointed, but is that possible? Because I have realized that I have expectations for people that I didn't even know I had. One of which is expecting people to clearly understand what I'm trying to say. So my question is: How do you know when you are expecting too much of someone? What if you are someone like me who has too high of expectations? One thing that I will say is I expect too much TOO SOON.. Let me put this in perspective, have you ever had someone expect perfection and nothing less? It's almost like you're doomed to fail right? That is when I think it becomes too much to ask. So as I try to see the truth.. I guess I want to be able to overcome my high expectations of others and being happy.
Well I guess I should try to wrap this long and completely random post up with my last "rant"... This one's a tough one and I'll tell ya why. I don't understand why people who have the most to say about me are the ones who really don't know about my life. "The people who know the least have the most to say".. Why?? News flash!! If I wanted you're opinion, trust me I would ask for it. Of course I understand that the people who really care about me are just looking out for me but I dont get why others do it.
One thing I have realized through all of this is that it doesnt matter how many times people tell me how to live my life. I cant even begin to explain how many times I have heard people tell me certain things aren't "worth my time". It may seem like I am compromising my dignity, and I may get upset or hurt but I know one thing for sure: I am happy! VERY happy! :) And if that's wrong, then so be it!!
I guess what I have realized is that I need to tell myself the truth about myself and by doing so it will help me become a better person. The past few months I've realized that I have to compromise things. Being stubborn gets me no where. I need to stop listening to what others think. Reality has given me an open mind. I want nothing more than to prove to people that they are wrong and above all else, I am going to make changes in order to be happier with the relationships I have in my life because that is all that matters.. :)