If you only knew..

Have you ever lost yourself? Or someone close to you? Honestly, I dont know which is worse. I'm not talking about losing someome as in passing away. I mean losing someone as in you don't know who they are anymore. The worst part about losing someone you thought you knew is that you didn't see it coming right? You hold onto something that isn't even there. It doesn't exist anymore. Today I finally realized that I am holding onto a person who just doesn't exist anymore. People change. The things we like and dislike change. We can wish they wouldn't all day but in the end it doesnt matter. Because they do!

So what do you do? Hang on to it, or let it go? In my case, I am speaking of a perosn. A person I thought would never leave. I think the biggest mistake I have ever made is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve to. Sometimes I ask myself if it's worth losing myself trying to hold on to someone who never cared about losing me. Change has never been an easy thing for me. I fight to hold on to things.

I wonder if some things aren't meant to be reconciled... Maybe people come into our lives to teach us a lesson and once that lesson is taught they are supposed to leave, and that's the end of it. But what if you realize you aren't happy without the person you thought you needed? What if they make you happy? Many times people told me that if someone cares about me they wont hurt me. They wont leave me. So why is it that I find it hard to believe? The person I am speaking of probably has no idea this is even about them, if they're even reading it. But here's my dilemma. I wasn't sure why I was 'losing' them. I didn't think he was 'leaving' me. I thought he was running. And what I couldn't figure out is, was he running towards something he wanted? Or running away from something he was afraid to want? I still can't answer that question. Time has shown me that I probably will never know.

Do you say goodbye to someone who hurts you, even if you don't want to be without them? Maybe you're better off without this person. Maybe you're not. Who decides? When do you get to that point of enough is enough? I'd like to say I have figured out when to let go and when to hang on, but the truth is I don't have the slightest clue.You would think if you're already losing someone it would be easy to simply forget everything right? Wrong!..

So I guess you just live.. Day by day. For a long time this person meant the world to me, but they never bothered to do anything about it. I guess you can't change the unchangeable. Most days I'm fine. I don't think about it much. It has become so familiar that I don't even notice how different things really are, but then there are some days when I ask myself if its right. If there is one thing I know for sure, it is that time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters in life. So here's to time.. :)